Every time I fart, I fear it’s going to be a wet one so I rush to the toilet and sputter out some liquid and little shit. Finally the shit is shitting out of my system.
This happens every time I stop. Withdraws have never been debilitating for me, fortunately. Probably because my psych has me so pumped up on benzos. My legal addiction. The one that’s OK. Who knows. Having a runny nose and shitting a lot is not really that bad. People talk to me about getting dope sick or sweating or feeling like death. I just can’t empathize. And at the very least, I know I’m cleansing my colon of all the packed fudge from my last binge.
Now that it’s been a couple of days, I’m feeling better again. It’s the beginning of the usual cycle. I get clean for a little while, recognize the benefits, and then just decide fuck all, I’ll get high because I have the money; have the time; have a bullshit reason. I want it to be different this time. Just like I have all the others. Melodramatic me with my last post. I’m back at home. My father loves me. The air is clear. I want it to stay this way. I spent Sunday in bed drinking apple cider mimosas.
I don’t know what is so hard about quitting. I commit to myself, but I can’t make the resolve. I’m in constant denial. I don’t need help. I just need a good reason to just stop and put an end to this soul-sucking, money-draining, family-ruining, relationship-shitting-on behavior.
Focus on the good shit, right? Four days since my last shot, I feel a lot better.
It’s like when I quit smoking pot. It sucked for a long time, but then I realized there is a difference between pot vs. no pot. And I preferred no pot (even though I still preferred yes opiates.)
I love and hate heroin. I watched a documentary, Seduced and Abandoned, about raising money for a movie. That title and phrase directly applies to heroin.
It’s far too easy to find a reason to use and after you do, there’s no more. And unlike a movie, the lights don’t go dim and then come back on a second later so you can leave and go home. They stay off for a while. You never really leave. The more you want to use; the longer the darkness. The less you want to continue being a drug addict; the shorter.
At least I have a normal salaried, career-relevant job now, a second relevant part-time job at a non-profit, and a third volunteer commitment to a cause I’m passionate about. These are reasons to stay clean, but the challenges they present are what scare me. I don’t want to fail and when faced with something new, it’s so much easier to run and hide in my bed with a tourney, a bag of freshies, and some good dope for a couple of days.
Even if my “recovery journey” (that sounds so fucking gay and I can’t articulate in any other manner) has been wrought with relapses, they’ve been fewer and far between each time. The trajectory is a positive one. I’m doing better in life. The more things get back to my personal sense of what is normal, the more I want this to just end. Of course, as soon as I delete my numbers, I get texts telling me to come through, or I bump into someone who’s always holding at that exact moment where I just realized I have a few hundred in my pocket and I’m so proud of myself for not spending it on drugs. Nothing worth doing is easy: a constant reminder stapled to the inside of my eyelids.
Ultimately though, heroin will abandon me. And I would much rather abandon it.
10 Months since my last post. Sunday afternoon. 2PM. Too much Klonopin (but not enough.)
Some highlights since my last post:
Made a lot of money doing almost nothing with Bitcoins. Avoided working.
Lost and spent a lot of money on dope, getting burned, and trying to maintain some semblance of a $500USD/week lifestyle on top of an on/off heroin habit.
Spent 3 months in intensive group substance abuse counseling.
Almost became homeless. Took drug tests and assuaged my benefactors (I shot up the day before one of them so I have no idea how I passed.)
Almost lost my girlfriend. Thankfully, that didn’t happen.
Got a menial job (had to quit the counseling, but found a therapist.)
Then, got a real, big boy job. Salary, benefits, relevant to my “career”. A validation point towards my college degree.
Now here I am. About a month into my new job. It’s at a “good company” to work for. Everything on paper is great. Decent salary. And most of all, a second (third? fourth? fifth?) chance again at a normal life.
So yeah, I could agree with my therapists, my parents, my girlfriend… I worked hard to get to this point. I got very lost in an addiction and now I’m finding my way back.
But the way back sucks. It’s hard. I have more money than I ever did before. How am I not supposed to spend this on dope?
My job is “good”, but I’m bored out of my skull. I’m back in a fucking cubicle underneath artificial lighting. I get to go to meetings and remind other people that their work is due. I get to sit on client calls and chime in. Before I started, this is exactly what I needed. Now that I’ve started, I feel like it’s the last thing i needed.
I need to quit my job and start a business. I need to be engaged. I need an endless to-do list.
I’m already drinking everyday after work. I’m drinking now. I’m smoking more cigarettes than I ever have and because of that, I just buy the cheap ones that give you a nasty smoker’s voice and burn fast enough that I can suck down 2 during my drive.
It’s also find it defeating driving there in my downgraded car. When I first started this habit, I had no morals, so I lied a little and got a brand new BMW that was way out of my means. That car went bye-bye quickly after I lost my last big boy job and defaulted. No big deal, there was another car for me to drive and it was free.
Then some shit popped off. My family found out I was using again. Drug tests. Drug counseling. No money. No time to work - just going to group therapy. It sucked. But I got clean. Then I didn’t. Then I did again.
Now, I don’t really want to be.
The days are so short. I just want to lay in bed and sleep the day away. The thought of spending an extended period of time in a mental ward is actually kind of comforting. Three meals. Decent food (where I live it’s actually quite good.). Some optional therapy stuff. Some not-so-optional. Most all, not working. That’s the most appealing. I miss “working” at home. I had a legal side business going for a while that didn’t make me rich, but I got back to the yuppie lifestyle I was used to. I even started to look at new cars again.
Today, I look at my future and I see more corporate bullshit. Most mundane, long days where I can’t be high at work. I see a regular paycheck, which I usually have already spent in my mind before it even arrives. I see an existence I never wanted for myself. I am seeing my psychiatrist again and I struggle if I should share these feelings. I suspect they’ll be met with “Well, there is this great new SSRI/SNRI that a couple of my patients have really liked…”
I can’t numb myself of an existence that’s humanly unnatural. I want to go back in time and not waste my college credits on business courses that have lead me to failed and successful entrepreneurial ventures. I wish I learned something interesting. Engineering. Photojournalism. Pre-Med.
If I quit, people will wonder what the fuck happened. If I get fired, just the same.
So now I sit, in purgatory. I’m blessed with something most 20-somethings don’t have right now at an enviable employer and I’m being told that I’m doing an obvious good job. But am I happy? Not really. Only after work. And on the weekends.
I remember the not-so-distant days where I pined for this sort of gig. A “normal” life. I spent yesterday getting day drunk and going to the usual roster of restaurants and bars until we got back at midnight and wondered how we killed 12 hours. It was nice. I felt normal again.
It was also nice to not keep stopping in a restroom every coupe of hours to snort something or shoot up or use my vaporizer.
That indescribable feeling I got as a child before Christmas Day far overshadowed the giddiness I’d feel before leaving to pick up.
Buying drugs from someone who you’re buddy-buddy with is always preferred, but when you start doing heroin, there are no suburban white college kids to buy from. You’ve got to hit the street. Sometimes there’s a white “normal” heroin dealer, but that type of dealer’s gear always sucks. You want a real fix.
It’s pretty easy. I’ve found that in any major city, the third time’s a charm. Go to the ghetto, roll your window halfway down and when you see a bunch of guys who look like drug dealers, slow down and make eye contact and wave one over.
Initially, I did this being completely naive to other elements of the buy beyond the drug transaction. After I established some regular contacts, I realized that I probably shouldn’t drive my nice car there. Nor should I wear my favorite leather coat. Or anything else I’d usually wear. Instead, I’d dress down and found myself driving my beater car to the dealer. I even once got 3 free bags because they felt bad I had to ostensibly get rid of my other car so I could keep up my habit. Despite my precautions and hundreds of “shady” deals, I never had a gun pointed at me or was threatened in any manner.
I got robbed by a Puerto Rican once. It wasn’t anything violent or traumatic or scary in the least. He was some background person, always in the periphery and an acquaintance of one of my dealers. Once, the dealer told me to meet this other guy instead. I just gave him a couple hundred dollars and then sat in a parking lot like a schmuck for an hour.
The fucked up thing was I never got angry for being taken advantage of making a bad decision to trust someone I didn’t know. I was angry because I couldn’t get high that day. That was the last money I had until a paycheck would hit my account 4 days later. Until then, I subsisted off Ritz crackers and tuna out of a can. An hour in a parking lot. I don’t have that kind of patience for anything when I’m sober.
I never got hungry because I was always high. Why buy groceries when I can buy dope? And you really don’t need anything other than those two aforementioned delicacies and water when you’re vomiting in withdrawal; it worked out quite ideally in retrospect.
One can only imagine the ugly consequences if all I had to eat in the apartment was leftover chili.
Ended up going to a Coinstar machine in desperation and converting my jar of change into $14.90. I dug a dime up from under my bed luckily and bought a bag on day 3. Why didn’t I think of this resource earlier when I was “working from home” and trying to achieve the high personal goal of keeping a glass of water down for more than 10 minutes. I found a random dealer I’d never seen out in the area before. Immediate wave of relief. Rush home. Shit was fucking fake.
The drug deal.
Depending on who you are, the smallest of transactions can be the biggest rush. Soon though, it becomes an errand of sorts like running out to the post office or to the cleaners; except it’s an errand you look forward to with the utmost rush of fortune. I sometimes imagine how churchgoing, non users would feel being in the backseat of one of my deals. It’d probably be the scariest thing ever. I wonder if I’ll ever be that scared of anything.
And even after being disappointed with fake shit, I still couldn’t wait until the next day when I could hit up another dealer after I got my direct deposit.
They say drugs can affect your perception of time and it’s true because every minute I was waiting for that high, several hours were passing by in my sober head.
Only 20mg Ativan left. Just 14 days ago I had another 40mg. Luckily I am sitting on additional 30mg Klonopin with a refill due in ~15 days Should probably get this habit under control. It just feels so good to be so relaxed 24/7. It’s not a passive, ambivalent calmness like most weed strains provide, but rather a clearheaded, mindful state of mind where ever action feels direct, smooth, natural, assertive. I don’t know how to describe it. Kind of like coming out of 30-45min of deep meditation and instead of feeling relaxed for only a little, you feel at peace all day.
Got a slick deal on 7g of Moroccan hash from Silk Road tonight. I love Bitcoin. Very, very tempted to order some H, but I resisted. Though, I’m getting a stronge urge to have some Roxy ordered tomorrow and overnighted to me so it’s here Saturday and I can kick-off a nice IV binge on Sunday when my girlfriend leaves. Strongly fighting this urge as well. I think after a good night’s sleep, my morals and long-term perspective will return.
I got a really thoughtful note from a follower here and it got me thinking about my favorite drugs. I find it a bit cathartic to talk about my addiction, the funny (and dangerous and precarious) moments it lead me into (all I can do at this point is laugh about it), the relapses, the recovery, the reasons why…
I was thinking about of all the drugs I’ve done (never done crack, PCP, or meth [not one for uppers and they just seemed dirty]) and wanted to list my top 10:
LSD - Insightful, fun, long-lasting, requires an open mind, so much fun with friends.
DMT - The business man’s trip. Hits you immediately, 10 minutes feels like hours, lots of fun visuals, no bad trips. Same chemical that gets releases the second before you die, causing the “life flashing before the eyes” phenomenon.
Heroin - Despite being clean from it for months on months, I still rank this as #3. It’s immediacy and the pure euphoric escape that it offers is amazing, but it doesn’t outweigh the psycho-social-physical consequences of habitual use.
IR Oxycodone/Roxys - Less nodding off relative to heroin (unless you have a low tolerance or dose a lot), more intraday functioning, one of the few remaining water-soluble painkillers today.
Ketamine (IV/IM) - Snorting is sucks. Injecting it is amazing. Almost impossible to overdose on. Very safe drug and extremely conducive for self-exploration. Getting into a K-hole is like being in a sensory deprivation chamber.
Diazepam ampules - The rush from injecting a benzo is incredible. Valium, when taken orally, is OK, but the liquid ampules are too much fun.
5-MeO-AMT - Think this research chem may be outlawed now, but I really enjoyed this. It was the perfect blend of LSD and MDA without being too overwhelming.
Psilocybin - While mild in psychedelic properties, I always enjoy the ethereal body high that comes with this. Whether it’s just 1g or 7g, I always have an amazing time and the best part is the come-up, where I can feel some sort of natural energy take hold of my stomach and rise up through my esophagus and spinal cord and into my brain. Always feel much more connected to the natural world after these experiences and tend to have a new snap in my step after.
MDA - Never been able to get very high of MDA. I’ve tried a gamut of dirty brown shards to pure slightly off-white powder freshly synthesized. Even the latter, snorted or taken orally in a gel cap, has never done much for me. It has a mild effect, I tend to have more empathy for human kind than I do when I’m sober, but I’ve never had an incredible experience. For me, it’s kind of like having a nice glass of brandy after a good dinner.
Benzos! I started years ago by conning my GP into starting me off on 0.25mg pills of Xanax. Every subsequent visit, I’d complain about how I’m having to take several for any affect and eventually ended up with 1mg, referred to a psychiatrist who kept it going, added on Klonopin, Halcyon, and Ativan (which I would have to say is my personal favorite.) Xanax is really fast acting, but has a short half-life. Ativan is really fast acting if you let it dissolve under your tongue, which only takes about 30 seconds, and it tastes like sugar. Then it lasts 8 hours. It’s also the only drug that I can carry around entirely legally.
Typing that all out does make me miss the opiate rush, but frankly, it’s just not worth the trade offs. I could go through the trouble of copping some dope, but the only thing I’ll want is more as soon as the high wears off. Plus, it’s an easy way to fatally OD if you haven’t done it in a while. I don’t want to die :)
For me, the most painful part of any opiate binge is when you wake up in the morning and the drugs from the past 3 days have mostly worn off so you’ve got 72+ hours of excrement just busting at the seams to escape and now’s your only chance. So you go to the toilet since it’s probably the only opportunity you’ll have at taking a non-forceful shit before you get your morning fix.
But the opiates haven’t entirely worn off, so you still do have to force it.
The feeling of relief that washes over you after it’s escaped and you’ve finished exercising your asshole muscle is almost as relieving as that first high of the day.
It’s crazy how fast I’ve gone through all of these pills. The first 2 days, I got really high.
Then all those extraneous opioid receptors in my brain that were dormant during the time I was clean all reactivated at once. It was like I went from having zero tolerance and thinking my pill stash would last 2 weeks to my old, ridiculously high level of tolerance at the peak of my usage, shooting 10-20 bags of dope per day.
It wasn’t long after I realized this that I bought some needles, did cold water extract with a bunch of Percocets, filtered twice, and used the oxy/water mixture. The rush definitely isn’t the same as IVing straight oxy/roxy. There really isn’t a rush at all. More of a slow take over of your body as slight pins and needles and the opiate itch sort of flow into the experience. And it’s pretty cool having a couple plugged up test tubes in my fridge, knowing that each one is good for 5 separate 1cc injections containing ~25mg of oxy per injection. I’m on some Breaking Bad shit, yo (Science, bitch!)
So I’m sure these test tube vials will be empty by the weekend’s end.
What’s strange is that before, when a binge was coming to an end and I’d be running out of pills, my first and foremost priority was obtaining more.
This time, it’s different.
This time, I’ve accepted that it’s just a binge and when I run out, I run out. Also seeing how quickly my tolerance got back up to a ridiculous level has made me realize that regardless of the drug, whether it’s Rx painkillers like this binge, or like dope in the past, that I don’t stand to gain much from binges except the physical, recreational pleasure. Emotionally, I have nothing to hide from anymore. I don’t have any feelings I want to repress. So it’s OK that I’m running out of pills and my homemade mixture in a couple days. I’ll know to buy a lot less the next time around, whenever that may be, if there is one. It was fun, but just not the same as it used to be. Makes me wonder if it’s even worth it to do it again. My rationalization for this one was a celebration of my birthday.
The other big pro to this binge ending is I get to avoid all the awkward public urinal situations. Like last night, of course some asshole is in the stall doing shitty coke, so I have to use the urinal. Of course, there’s only 2 and a line of people. You have no idea how awkward it feels to stand there at a urinal, holding your dick, telling your mind “pee, pee, pee, god damnit, just fucking pee” for like 2 minutes straight as other guys the same age as you, who don’t have prostate issues, and probably aren’t on a lot of opiates like me, shuffle past the urinal that’s next to me and release their urine in less than 20 seconds. I just keep my face straight ahead and feign a slight wince so it looks like I might have some sort of urinary tract issue and I’m not just standing at the urinal with my cock in my hand trying to cruise for men or masturbate or whatever the fuck people think I’m doing. When I was using heroin, I would often just stand at the urinal for 30 seconds, and even if I had to pee really badly, it wouldn’t ever come out, so I’d just flush down nothing and leave.
From left to right: Vicodin Watson 540 10/500; Vicodin Watson 853 10/325; Kapanol 20mg (morphine sulfate); Percocet 10/650; Vicodin ES 7.5/750; Oxycontin 40mg OC formula; Xanax 3mg triangles and 2mg bars; Phentermine 37.5mg
Why did I buy all of this shit? And why the hell did I get Phentermine? This is what happens when you take too many benzo’s, meet a drug dealer, and somehow think that along with a bunch of appetite-suppressing opiates, I also needed to get some pills that obese people take to curb hunger and boost metabolism.
Good news: Can’t IV anything there. Except the Kapanol, which is a bitch to prepare for IV so I won’t be. At least I have some good stuff to help me make it through this weekend’s family reunion.
It’s an endless cycle. At least now, I’m making good money self-employed and can afford to take a day or four off to do nothing but laze around faded off my ass.
Hydromorphone isn’t as great as I last remembered it to be. Yeah, it has a rush and dilutes into water like a hot knife through butter (not the best analogy, but you get it), but the rush IV made my shoulders tense up and for the 10 seconds following the shot—the best part of IVing any opiate—I felt like I was on the verge of a fucking heart attack. It didn’t have the same euphoric and relaxing rush I remember from some raw dope. Roxy’s don’t have much of a comparable rush, but the high is long and sustaining, even after you’ve been shooting a few pills a day.
Perhaps I should blame it on the dormant, excessive amount of opiate receptors in my brain, but the IV experience overall with my latest shipment of dillies fucking blew dick majorly. It scratched the itch, kind of. I don’t feel like I need MORE MORE MORE like I did when I was physically addicted to dope, but at the same time, it leaves me wanting more. The immediacy for my next high isn’t there, now I’m more focused on quality. Why waste a few hundred for a bunch of Roxy’s when I can save my cash and score some quality raw West Baltimore dope the next time I visit some friends in DC? The dope high is so much… better, satisfying, cheaper, exhilarating, faster, longer lasting, I could go on and on and on. I’m not talking about just any heroin. I’ve bought bundles that must’ve been stepped on 20 times before. I mean that bitter-ass, clean dissolve, raw mother fucking shit I’ve only been able to find in an 8 block area of B-more. And that’s after buying dope across the U.S.—I’ve been everywhere and despite The Wire being such a cliche, they’re right. West Baltimore has the best dope I’ve ever had in my life and now that I’ve gotten taste of the opiate rush again, I long for the days when the best shit is all I ever shot.
It’s been a couple of weeks since I last posted about my Ketamine infusion plan.
I’ve since completed my outpatient rehab program and am now close to 11 weeks clean from opiates. I was able to string together 1 or 2 weeks of clean time before this program, but never more than that. It feels really good to reach this milestone and I definitely have a lot of incentive to keep it going.
Since I last posted, I’ve probably put close to 1500mg of Ketamine through my body, either by IV or IM injection. My tolerance now is through the roof. The 100mg injection that would put me into a k-hole for hours now only affects me for about 15 minutes.
Here’s what Ketamine has done for me relative to my addiction:
Reinforced a lot of positive affirmations. I’d go into these experiences repeating positive, affirmative mantras, and like LSD, it’s an experience guided by your preemptive thoughts and perceptions going into it. If you’re nervous or think you’ll have a bad time, chances are you will.
Made me realize that my opiate addiction was much more destructive than I thought.
Helped me realize that I was so out of touch of reality on opiates. I forgot who I was (not literally), I forgot what I wanted to become. I regained a sense of child-like wonder about the world.
Possibilities today seem as limitless as they did when I graduated high school. I used to think I was locked into this career track that I’ve always felt ambivalent about. I think this contributed to my addiction and depression, leading me to self-medicate and repress my feelings of disappointment and regret.
My creativity is back 100x. I’ve started writing screenplays again and hope to get back into the business I was once pursuing on the side (and with much success.)
Generalized anxiety is gone. I still suffer acute episodic anxiety, but in general, I feel much more at peace with the world, myself, and the uncertainty I’ve been facing. I’m still looking for steady employment (freelance work is paying the bills now), but I don’t feel as hopeless and depressed about it.
During one experience, I was thinking about how disgusting smoking pot is. How much I hated chasing down highs, bags of dope, waiting for my dealer. I thought about how many tens of thousands of dollars I’ve wasted and shot up my arm. I realized how close to death I was, but at the time was too delusional to care or recognize the heavy gravity of the situation.
So in short, K did for me what LSD and psilocybin have always done. But it’s a gentler trip. As an anesthetic, you slip in and out of physical consciousness, however your mind is still active. Unlike LSD or mushrooms, I’m not as lucid. It also lasts a fraction of the time and isn’t as physically draining.
I think in therapeutic settings, K shows some promise, but I have to say it’s not for everyone. If you don’t have any experience with psychedelics, then I’d say it may be a good idea to pass on this. I wish I could attribute my recovery thus far to K, but in reality it’s the outpatient program that did it for me. While I’m not a fan of AA/NA, this program did the trick and taught me some cognitive-behavioral based coping skills that will help me avoid turning to the quick high to resolve my problems.
I’m done with K treatment for now. I’ve begun taking a new antidepressant (Viibryd—relatively new on the market) and am seeing some excellent results. Klonopin and Xanax are always a short reach away if I really need them, but since completing the K treatment, I’ve found less and less of a need as I feel a genuine confidence being cultivated from within.
One interesting observation I made is that I felt acutely connected to a collective human consciousness when on K. I’m sure a lot of this has to do with the drug, but I found myself experiencing odd coincidences, envisioning events and later experiencing them (self-fulfilling prophecy perhaps), and having predictive thoughts during the trip that often were validated once I returned back to reality. Tim Leary’s 8 Circuits of Consciousness suggests that Ketamine allows one to tap into the 8th, highest circuit, “overmind”, which transcends 7th neurogenetic circuit that’s activated by LSD. Using this framework, John C Lilly posited Ketamine facilitated telepathic communication. He went a bit nuts so I take this with a grain of salt, but I can see where he was getting the ideas from.