Soon again :)
An outlet to steam the repressed secret in my white collar life that I'm a drug addict and often have track marks underneath my dress shirt.
ASK
October 21, 2012
August 11, 2012
Gave birth this morning (on binges coming to an end)
For me, the most painful part of any opiate binge is when you wake up in the morning and the drugs from the past 3 days have mostly worn off so you’ve got 72+ hours of excrement just busting at the seams to escape and now’s your only chance. So you go to the toilet since it’s probably the only opportunity you’ll have at taking a non-forceful shit before you get your morning fix.
But the opiates haven’t entirely worn off, so you still do have to force it.
The feeling of relief that washes over you after it’s escaped and you’ve finished exercising your asshole muscle is almost as relieving as that first high of the day.
It’s crazy how fast I’ve gone through all of these pills. The first 2 days, I got really high.
Then all those extraneous opioid receptors in my brain that were dormant during the time I was clean all reactivated at once. It was like I went from having zero tolerance and thinking my pill stash would last 2 weeks to my old, ridiculously high level of tolerance at the peak of my usage, shooting 10-20 bags of dope per day.
It wasn’t long after I realized this that I bought some needles, did cold water extract with a bunch of Percocets, filtered twice, and used the oxy/water mixture. The rush definitely isn’t the same as IVing straight oxy/roxy. There really isn’t a rush at all. More of a slow take over of your body as slight pins and needles and the opiate itch sort of flow into the experience. And it’s pretty cool having a couple plugged up test tubes in my fridge, knowing that each one is good for 5 separate 1cc injections containing ~25mg of oxy per injection. I’m on some Breaking Bad shit, yo (Science, bitch!)
So I’m sure these test tube vials will be empty by the weekend’s end.
What’s strange is that before, when a binge was coming to an end and I’d be running out of pills, my first and foremost priority was obtaining more.
This time, it’s different.
This time, I’ve accepted that it’s just a binge and when I run out, I run out. Also seeing how quickly my tolerance got back up to a ridiculous level has made me realize that regardless of the drug, whether it’s Rx painkillers like this binge, or like dope in the past, that I don’t stand to gain much from binges except the physical, recreational pleasure. Emotionally, I have nothing to hide from anymore. I don’t have any feelings I want to repress. So it’s OK that I’m running out of pills and my homemade mixture in a couple days. I’ll know to buy a lot less the next time around, whenever that may be, if there is one. It was fun, but just not the same as it used to be. Makes me wonder if it’s even worth it to do it again. My rationalization for this one was a celebration of my birthday.
The other big pro to this binge ending is I get to avoid all the awkward public urinal situations. Like last night, of course some asshole is in the stall doing shitty coke, so I have to use the urinal. Of course, there’s only 2 and a line of people. You have no idea how awkward it feels to stand there at a urinal, holding your dick, telling your mind “pee, pee, pee, god damnit, just fucking pee” for like 2 minutes straight as other guys the same age as you, who don’t have prostate issues, and probably aren’t on a lot of opiates like me, shuffle past the urinal that’s next to me and release their urine in less than 20 seconds. I just keep my face straight ahead and feign a slight wince so it looks like I might have some sort of urinary tract issue and I’m not just standing at the urinal with my cock in my hand trying to cruise for men or masturbate or whatever the fuck people think I’m doing. When I was using heroin, I would often just stand at the urinal for 30 seconds, and even if I had to pee really badly, it wouldn’t ever come out, so I’d just flush down nothing and leave.
June 8, 2012
Oh man.
Well…
Couple of things.
First off,
Hydromorphone isn’t as great as I last remembered it to be. Yeah, it has a rush and dilutes into water like a hot knife through butter (not the best analogy, but you get it), but the rush IV made my shoulders tense up and for the 10 seconds following the shot—the best part of IVing any opiate—I felt like I was on the verge of a fucking heart attack. It didn’t have the same euphoric and relaxing rush I remember from some raw dope. Roxy’s don’t have much of a comparable rush, but the high is long and sustaining, even after you’ve been shooting a few pills a day.
Perhaps I should blame it on the dormant, excessive amount of opiate receptors in my brain, but the IV experience overall with my latest shipment of dillies fucking blew dick majorly. It scratched the itch, kind of. I don’t feel like I need MORE MORE MORE like I did when I was physically addicted to dope, but at the same time, it leaves me wanting more. The immediacy for my next high isn’t there, now I’m more focused on quality. Why waste a few hundred for a bunch of Roxy’s when I can save my cash and score some quality raw West Baltimore dope the next time I visit some friends in DC? The dope high is so much… better, satisfying, cheaper, exhilarating, faster, longer lasting, I could go on and on and on. I’m not talking about just any heroin. I’ve bought bundles that must’ve been stepped on 20 times before. I mean that bitter-ass, clean dissolve, raw mother fucking shit I’ve only been able to find in an 8 block area of B-more. And that’s after buying dope across the U.S.—I’ve been everywhere and despite The Wire being such a cliche, they’re right. West Baltimore has the best dope I’ve ever had in my life and now that I’ve gotten taste of the opiate rush again, I long for the days when the best shit is all I ever shot.
June 5, 2012
Fucking finally.
Reunited and it feels so good.
Tolerance is so low. 2MG of hydromorphone still has me nodding slightly about 7 hours after shooting.
What’s interesting is a big shift in thought after completing outpatient rehab and doing my own ketamine addiction cure experiment (“experiment” in the loosest sense possible.)
Pre-rehab, I’d be wanting to get high right before bed and going to sleep even though I was still high from before. Typically, despite being really faded, I’d shoot again just for the sake of doing it even though the high would’ve lasted longer and I could’ve kept my stash longer. My feeling was that it would get me higher and the high would last longer and instead I’d just fall asleep or go overboard and throw up or embarrass myself otherwise by nodding in an inappropriate setting.
Post-rehab, I feel really comfortable knowing I’ve got a small stash for future use and frankly don’t feel compelled to use immediately. I feel in control. That’s the difference. The mindfulness of control. I have meetings tomorrow. In the past, going to meetings doped up was typical and fine, before I lost control. Tomorrow, even though I have a significant day to kill before the block of them start, I know right now I won’t shoot up until I’m home for the day.
Experiencing an opiate-sober life has brought some valuable perspective. I don’t intend to order anymore pills after this stash is gone, but I will present a challenge to myself to stretch them out as far as possible and question if I really need or want to shoot up during times I feel like I can (such as at the end of the day.) Who knows? Maybe tomorrow after all is done, I’ll just want to go to sleep, the same way I did before I began this premeditated relapse.
April 23, 2012
Ketamine Treatment - Part 2
It’s been a couple of weeks since I last posted about my Ketamine infusion plan.
I’ve since completed my outpatient rehab program and am now close to 11 weeks clean from opiates. I was able to string together 1 or 2 weeks of clean time before this program, but never more than that. It feels really good to reach this milestone and I definitely have a lot of incentive to keep it going.
Since I last posted, I’ve probably put close to 1500mg of Ketamine through my body, either by IV or IM injection. My tolerance now is through the roof. The 100mg injection that would put me into a k-hole for hours now only affects me for about 15 minutes.
Here’s what Ketamine has done for me relative to my addiction:
- Reinforced a lot of positive affirmations. I’d go into these experiences repeating positive, affirmative mantras, and like LSD, it’s an experience guided by your preemptive thoughts and perceptions going into it. If you’re nervous or think you’ll have a bad time, chances are you will.
- Made me realize that my opiate addiction was much more destructive than I thought.
- Helped me realize that I was so out of touch of reality on opiates. I forgot who I was (not literally), I forgot what I wanted to become. I regained a sense of child-like wonder about the world.
- Possibilities today seem as limitless as they did when I graduated high school. I used to think I was locked into this career track that I’ve always felt ambivalent about. I think this contributed to my addiction and depression, leading me to self-medicate and repress my feelings of disappointment and regret.
- My creativity is back 100x. I’ve started writing screenplays again and hope to get back into the business I was once pursuing on the side (and with much success.)
- Generalized anxiety is gone. I still suffer acute episodic anxiety, but in general, I feel much more at peace with the world, myself, and the uncertainty I’ve been facing. I’m still looking for steady employment (freelance work is paying the bills now), but I don’t feel as hopeless and depressed about it.
- During one experience, I was thinking about how disgusting smoking pot is. How much I hated chasing down highs, bags of dope, waiting for my dealer. I thought about how many tens of thousands of dollars I’ve wasted and shot up my arm. I realized how close to death I was, but at the time was too delusional to care or recognize the heavy gravity of the situation.
So in short, K did for me what LSD and psilocybin have always done. But it’s a gentler trip. As an anesthetic, you slip in and out of physical consciousness, however your mind is still active. Unlike LSD or mushrooms, I’m not as lucid. It also lasts a fraction of the time and isn’t as physically draining.
I think in therapeutic settings, K shows some promise, but I have to say it’s not for everyone. If you don’t have any experience with psychedelics, then I’d say it may be a good idea to pass on this. I wish I could attribute my recovery thus far to K, but in reality it’s the outpatient program that did it for me. While I’m not a fan of AA/NA, this program did the trick and taught me some cognitive-behavioral based coping skills that will help me avoid turning to the quick high to resolve my problems.
I’m done with K treatment for now. I’ve begun taking a new antidepressant (Viibryd—relatively new on the market) and am seeing some excellent results. Klonopin and Xanax are always a short reach away if I really need them, but since completing the K treatment, I’ve found less and less of a need as I feel a genuine confidence being cultivated from within.
One interesting observation I made is that I felt acutely connected to a collective human consciousness when on K. I’m sure a lot of this has to do with the drug, but I found myself experiencing odd coincidences, envisioning events and later experiencing them (self-fulfilling prophecy perhaps), and having predictive thoughts during the trip that often were validated once I returned back to reality. Tim Leary’s 8 Circuits of Consciousness suggests that Ketamine allows one to tap into the 8th, highest circuit, “overmind”, which transcends 7th neurogenetic circuit that’s activated by LSD. Using this framework, John C Lilly posited Ketamine facilitated telepathic communication. He went a bit nuts so I take this with a grain of salt, but I can see where he was getting the ideas from.
April 5, 2012
Ketamine Treatment - Part 1
Preface:
My psychiatrist, psychologists (1:1 therapy, family therapy, addiction therapy, and outpatient rehab therapy) have ALL made NO recommendation that I pursue this. I did voice my interest in exploring self-treatment for addiction/depression/anxiety using Ketamine and while they did acknowledge there were academic studies that showed some efficacy in some scenarios, it was not recommended.
I did it anyway.
How I Got It:
Obtaining Ketamine in powered, crystalline form as a street drug can be challenging, even if you live in a big city. It seems to have a stronger presence in Canada (namely Toronto and Montreal) as well as Hong Kong, for reasons I can’t come to understand.
I didn’t want to snort a ton of cut powder, most likely cut with MSG (yes, the same stuff in Chinese food), until I reached what I thought was a K-hole. I wanted a measured, intramuscular injection that would undoubtedly lead me there.
It was as simple as finding an overseas supply website such as Alibaba.com (I won’t name my specific source, but that’s not it.) From there, I did a search not for Ketamine, but rather the brand names under which it is sold—Ketamax and Calypsol for example.
I identified a supplier with a high feedback score and sent them the money the next day via a wire service. It took about 3 weeks to arrive—should have taken 2, but they apparently had to restock. They first ship from Pakistan, a known drug source and otherwise suspicious country of origin for mail and then to the UK, an otherwise benign and friendly ally to the U.S. My package arrived through JFK airport customs without issue and everything was intact.
Cost:
From my experience, uncut K on the street goes anywhere from $60 to $100 USD per gram. I obtained 10 vials from my overseas supplier for a fraction of the price. Each vial, Ketamax, was manufactured in Germany by a reputable pharmaceutical producer and measures 500mg/10mL. This measures that within the 10mL of liquid, there was 500mg of Ketamine. Using a 1CC/1mL syringe, it’s then easy to gauge an exact dose and what’s needed to hit the K-hole.
I will be keeping two vials for my own personal use, but have already sold off the rest at an extremely high profit to a drug dealer locally. In areas where K is hard to come by, it’s easy to see why it commands such a high price premium. As a club drug at low doses, I don’t understand the allure. For me, it’s about the K-hole.
Treatment Plan:
Yesterday, I injected 280mg over the course of the day. At first, I did an IM injection of 80mg to feel the effects. After coming to about 25 minutes later and having a pleasant experience, I prepared another 100mg for IM injection. I placed headphones on my head and began focusing on my breathing as Chakra meditation gongs and sounds travelled through my brain. Time slipped away and in what felt like 5 minutes, I returned fully to reality and realized that almost 90 minutes had passed. I will save the psychedelic experience and its details for another post, but this was quite profound and left me feeling very optimistic about my future. A concrete confidence that opiate addiction is something I will beat forever was cemented into my mind. Later that night after seeing a movie with a friend, I went home and got ready for bed. I pondered vaporizing a little cannabis, but wanted to see what it would be like to go into K-induced sleep. I have been able to induce lucid dreams before and while an additional 100mg IM injection didn’t put me to sleep—it took a little effort to remain awake—I was able to find myself having fun talking to random internet strangers on Omegle (with some impaired motor skills obviously) and then drifted off. I woke up this morning feeling refreshed, anew, not euphoric, but not depressed. I incidentally had traffic court and spoke very eloquently. The case I made lead to the charges being dropped and the judge asked if I ever considered becoming a trial attorney.
Going forward for the next month I will be doing the following:
- Monday: No K
- Tuesday: 100-200mg IM injection - meditate and use therapeutic guides
- Wednesday: No K
- Thursday: 100-200mg IM injection - meditate and use therapeutic guides
- Friday: No K
- Saturday/Sunday: Experience/reflection/processing (blogging about it)
This is certainly nothing extreme, especially when you consider people like John C Lilly who injected over 100mg every hour of every day for a 6 month period under the guise of “consciousness research.” Shortly after he did that, he kind of lost his marbles and consequent credibility even among psychoactive scientific researchers.
Since it is Thursday and I am in a peaceful state, I will soon be embarking on another spiritual Ketamine-induced journey. I have a little high grade cannabis in my vaporizer to first relax me. I took about 2MG of Xanax 30 minutes ago. I will follow up with a more detailed report on my experience and how it relates to addiction treatment in the coming days.
March 2, 2012
I choose the dark side (not photoshopped.)
A portion of my fun for this weekend and next week. Just bought a Magic Flight Launch Box yesterday, too. Looking forward to the combination. the MFLB is worth every penny. I’ve already vaped in a club bathroom last night. It’s the perfect size, completely quiet, and gets you ripped on the littlest amount.
February 21, 2012
Binge over.
Pheeeewww. 730MG in 60 hours. Monday was hell. I thought of IVing some Imodium (kidding) it was doing so little for my withdrawal.
I was reading about addiction recovery over the weekend as I usually do and came across a term I’ve never heard before, “prolapse”.
Instead of coming out of my last binge like a fiend who couldn’t wait until the next high, I feel a little more controlled about this time, but I’d be reluctant to label it a prolapse unless this kicks off a bunch of clean time. So far it’s been about 36 hours since my last shot, with a combined benzo intake of 4mg and ~1g cannabis, and I don’t have any cravings. Feels good, man.
February 19, 2012
Sunday brunch after a nice, high, time at the dog park with my pup.
February 16, 2012
1.7 Weeks Clean
Well, I did it.
1.7 weeks clean.
Maybe that’ll go a full 2 weeks…probably not.
I’ve already ordered my favorite drug from my favorite online pharmacy today for overnight delivery tomorrow before 11AM.
But, got into an intensive outpatient rehab program, seeing a therapist and going to his addiction group session every week.
Last week I was resolved to stop this habit once and for all. Now that I know how to better hide it, and I got a wad of cash, I feel like learning moderation vs. abstinence is more important (a hotly contested idea in the addiction counseling community.)
We shall see where this leads long-term, but I know that tomorrow morning as soon as my delivery arrives, I’ll be shooting up.
1 of 2
Next page
-
this is what will keep me normal today. and everyday to come.
-
My life, through the reflection of a spoon.
Yesterday morning I woke up and squirted some Adderall up my ass. As some of you may know, rectal...
-
This. Shit. Is. FUCKING FIREEE !!!!
-
-
-
Gels:))
Squeezed this into some roxy and a perc 10.
Let it dry. Chopped it up and shnocked.
Clean through the nostrils and I can barely keep my... -
When will the fantasy end, when will the heaven begin
It’s hard to tell whats real anymore, when I’m sober it just doesn’t feel like it used too,...
-
Getting better, but
It’s hard looking back on how shitty my life used to be. It was really only a few years ago, I was in honor classes on the way to...